Two Out of Three...Yippee!!

Dorothy and her friends in Oz did a lot of singing as they travelled down the yellow brick road and lately there is a little song that's been going around and around in my head (and heart!) as I continue on this unexpected journey. It's one of those songs based on a story from the Bible, about a man who couldn't walk. He was begging for alms one day when a couple of the apostles came by, and though they didn't have any money to give him, they did reach out to him in the name of Christ and he was healed.

The chorus of this little song is "he went walking and leaping and praising God...." I am so excited to report that I am now doing two out of three of those! No leaping yet, but...

I am walking... walking!! Without crutches and without pain! First it was just in my little kitchen, then inside my house only, but not on stairs or outside. Two weeks ago, I asked permission to walk in the grocery store, pushing a cart so that I didn't have to use the motorized scooter any more. My practitioner looked at me, smiled and said "yes" and then added "Put your crutches in your car, go in the store, and when you come out...just leave your crutches there so they are nearby if you need them, but don't use them anywhere now." I was so surprised and delighted, as you can imagine...and the crutches are still in the car!

Though my left leg is weak and there is a lot of rehabilitation ahead, it is "so far, so good" in terms of very minimal swelling and no pain other than some cramping in my foot in response to each week's increase in weight-bearing and activity. In a few weeks there will be another MRI to discover for certain how much healing has happened in there and, if it looks good, then I can begin putting pressure on my knee (climbing steps the normal way, working on the leg machines at the gym, etc.) and start getting back to full use.

Six months ago we didn't know if I would ever walk unassisted again. The prognosis was not very good and the pain was terrible. Yesterday I did a 1/2 mile "hike" with trekking poles, on flat ground along the ocean with my wonderful husband, John, and my leg feels fine! :-)

So, not only am I walking... I am praising God!! For what is looking like a very good outcome, perhaps even a healing. For John, who has been such a support and help during this challenging time. For you and your faithful prayers and encouragement. And for the simple joy of walking (which I will never take for granted again...each step is a miracle and a delight!)

"Walking and leaping and praising God." No leaping is allowed yet, but two out of three is great. (The truth is, I AM leaping on the inside!)

With joy,
Joanna

Walking on Water!

Two weeks ago, I had the most wonderful experience of walking on water. Well, OK, walking IN water! I was given permission to do "water walking" in the pool. With a flotation belt on and water up to my armpits (to keep my full weight off my affected leg), I walked up and back the lane 6 times...the first time walking without crutches since July! :-)  I didn't know whether to cry or giggle, so I did a bit of both. I can't even describe what it felt like to actually walk on my own again...

My new friends in the therapeutic water exercise class, each dealing with their own physical challenges, cheered me on, which was really sweet and cute. I don't think I've been cheered on by a group of elderly folks in quite this way before.

The really good news is that there has been no pain whatsoever as I continue to put more and more weight on my leg. Though no one knows if or how much healing is happening, this is a very encouraging thing.

This past Monday, I was given permission to increase the amount of weight on my leg, still using crutches but mostly just for stability. And I can even take an occasional "one step" without the crutches in my "one step" kitchen. Still no pain! What an incredible joy it was to have in my hand a carton of eggs and to actually carry them myself from the sink to the stove... I just started crying. Almost six months now of not being able to carry things myself, and the simple act of carrying those eggs and taking a step....wow!

John and I thank you all so much for your prayers for healing, and we continue to trust Jesus with the outcome of this unexpected journey. No matter what happens, He is with us and we rest in that wonderful gift.

Blessings,
Joanna

Good News from Oz!

I had to smile yesterday as I sat in my chiropractor's waiting room. On the TV screen was "The Wizard of Oz", and it was the scene where Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion were ushered in to the presence of the Wizard of Oz...but something was going wrong with his projection screen and they saw the man at the controls, who cried out "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"

On this unexpected journey that I'm on, there really isn't a wizard behind a curtain trying to be something he is not. My orthopedic surgeon makes it very clear that he has no idea what the outcome regarding my knee will be. He doesn't try to "be God" and act like he can fix it or see into the future. And I'm not looking to him to do that.

But it WAS with a good deal of anticipation that John and I went to a recent appointment to see Dr. Moscovitz. It had been 12 weeks of being completely off my left leg, followed by 12 days of very slight weight-bearing, and still no pain of any kind! What would Dr. M. say?

Good news! First of all, the good doctor was so surprised about the "no pain"...and pleased! He broke into a big grin and kept poking my knee saying "Does this hurt?" and when I'd say "No", he'd poke some more and say "Are you sure it doesn't hurt? Really?"

Still acknowledging that he really doesn't know what's happening inside my knee, he said that he was so happy with how I was doing.... and, with a laugh, said "I think you may have cheated me out of a surgery!" He explained that there are three possible outcomes:
1. a very tiny chance that my knee will completely heal
2. the possibility that there will be no healing, and the pain and disability will be chronic
3. the middle ground ("This is where I'm pretty sure you'll land, Joanna")- my knee will be OK most of the time and sometimes will give me trouble, which John says is always true of his knee!

Dr. M. also agreed to order another MRI at some point down the road and he left us with another laugh and smile and "You don't need to come in and see me unless the pain returns and, as a matter of fact, I don't ever want to see you again!" :-)

Now under the guidance of my chiropractor, I am slowly and gradually adding weight and distance while I continue to be on my crutches. Every other day I can "walk" around the block! Next week I hope to be able to begin "water walking" in the pool, which will be the first time walking without crutches since July.

Still no pain, except for a little muscle soreness now and then which actually feels really good...

Thank God for a doctor who trusts in the miracle of a body that can heal itself, just as it was created to do. And thank you for your continuing prayers and encouragement...I will keep you posted every couple of weeks or so on how the journey is going.

Have a blessed Christmas!

Love,
Joanna

Learning to Walk in the Dark

Have you ever gone for a midnight hike? You know, you are out there with your flashlight so you can see your way and then, at some point you decide to turn off that beam of light and allow yourself to be surrounded by the deep darkness. It's not an evil, scary foreboding darkness....but that blanket of night that surrounds you so completely that you can't even see your hand in front of your face.

This is the image that has come to mind this week as I've literally taken the next steps on this unexpected journey in an unfamiliar land. As I leave the quiet and pain-free interlude of the last several weeks and start weight-bearing on my affected leg, it feels as if I am in that darkness, where I can't even see where my next step is to go. I don't know if I am walking into a miracle or a disability!

Today is the 7th day of weight-bearing  and I'm literally learning to walk again (still on crutches) after 3 months of keeping that foot off the floor. Learning to walk in the dark...

I'm only allowed to put 30 pounds of pressure there when I step down (which is hardly anything it turns out!), but I must tell you how good it feels to have both feet on the ground...

I was told to expect some level of discomfort or pain after the first two or three days...at the very least muscle, ligament and tendon pain from lack of use...and at the most, all that plus the bone pain of osteonecrosis if there hasn't been any healing. The good news at this early stage is that I have had NO pain whatsoever! Whether this will continue or not, no one knows, but it is an encouraging beginning for which John and I are very thankful.

We are thankful for the water exercise classes which have helped me prepare my leg for walking. I've been able to get back my range of motion and stop the muscle atrophy. My leg feels as if it's in the best shape it could be at this point!

We are thankful for YOU...for your prayers for healing and hope, which mean so much to us on this journey!

And we are thankful for the presence of our loving God in each moment (dark or light!) on this path. Whatever lies ahead, we feel ready to face it...whether I am walking into a miracle or a disability, we know that we don't walk alone.

Blessings,
Joanna

Listening in Oz

LISTEN...That's the message I keep getting.

It is the message of my second nightmare (see October 26 post), as the waters were rising. "Don't move. Don't be afraid. Be still. Listen to My voice and do what I say." This message speaks peace to my heart as I continue down this long and winding yellow brick road, on this unexpected journey.

It's the message that we are hearing at the Journey Center as we reflect on the past year and all that God has done in opening doors and toucing lives, and what He might be saying to us in the midst of a financial situation that would normally mean "We can't make it and we need to shut the doors." We know that we are being invited to "Be still.  Don't panic. Listen to My voice...I know what I am doing." This message gives us hope, strengthens our ability to trust and helps us keep focused on the mission, knowing that all will be well.

The other day I was having breakfast with a friend. I told him about how I'm being invited by the Spirit to listen. He told me that he is being drawn to listening for God's voice in a strong way. Then I got in the car to drive home, and the car in front of me had a very interesting license plate...."listen3".  I started laughing because it was so clear that God was saying loud and clear to me... LISTEN. In that moment of happy delight in God's presence and persistent communication, I knew that this was to be my new spiritual practice.

Plain and simple. Not any kind of fancy technique or particular time in the day where I set aside a few minutes to listen. But a way of being in the day, in the moment. Wherever I am, however I am. Just remembering the word "listen" seems to do it for me. In the past few days, I reach for the radio in the car and I remember...."listen", and some of those times I decide not to turn the noise on. I just drive along and think of that word..."listen", and experience peace and a Loving Presence with me. As I listen, things become simpler and clearer, and there is peace.

I've come to believe that the Spirit invites us to particular spiritual practices in each season of our life, and right now my invitation is to listening. (It seems especially appropriate as in just a week I'll start weight-bearing a little and will be discovereing if there has been any healing in my knee. It's an easy time to be afraid, and listening and experience His peace seems to be the only antidote.  Thank you so much for your prayers!)

John 10: 2-4  "The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice."

Listening in Oz,
Joanna

Two Months in Oz

When I think about Dorothy's journey down the yellow brick road, I remember that much of it was a wonderful adventure. Coming from a world in "black and white" in the movie, she stepped into a technicolor Oz. It was a beautiful place, for the most part. And she made new friends along the way, true and loyal friends...and they sang together, had hope together and found courage together.

I've been on my own "long and winding" yellow brick road for 8 weeks now. My crutches and wheelchair have become my friends, helping me make the journey. The terrible pain of osteonecrosis has gradually diminished as I've been putting no weight on my left leg and now I basically have no pain and can sleep through the night. As a result, my energy has returned over the past couple of weeks, and for this John and I are very grateful. And I've found my brain again!

I find myself in a nice "window"  of time where I feel almost normal...except for the clunk, clunk, clunk that lets people know I'm coming! :-) As the crisis has passed, I am now into a routine that gets me through the days and allows me to work about 20 hours a week. I've even been able to be at the Journey Center a bit during the day, getting reconnected with the staff and hosts and guests. And we continue to feel your support and prayers along the way...wonderful!

Dorothy had dark places along the road- the apple trees, the monkeys, etc. I still have dark places, too... a day here and there of frustration or depression, and I find that I am not alone in those places. God is present, full of compassion, and He always sends help and lifts my spirits eventually.

John and I realzed over the weekend that while we are enjoying this more stable time, we are beginning now to anticipate our arrival in the Emerald City, the place where we are headed. In about three weeks, I will begin weight bearing and that is when we'll see what's been happening inside my knee. Has my body been growing new blood vessels, absorbing the dead bone and laying down new bone? No one knows...no one can say, except me when I start trying to walk again. The moment of truth...

Our hope is that I will gradually be able to bear more and more weight and some day get my full strength back so I can walk and hike and dance (I've decided that if I can walk again, I'm going to learn to dance!).

And, to be honest, there is a small feeling of dread as well...what if the pain returns, and the sleepless nights and the utter exhaustion? What if nothing has changed?

That is when we are reminded of the two nightmares and the choice (see the previous post). Panic or trust? Fear or surrender...which will it be?

We choose to trust, and we thank you for your prayers these next three weeks for "revascularization" and healing...and hope and courage.We are so very grateful for your love and support- our true and loyal friends!

Blessings,
Joanna

Two Nightmares and a Choice

Dorothy certainly ran into her share of scary "nightmares" on her journey. I remember when I first told John that I felt like Dorothy on the yellow brick road, he said "Watch out for the monkeys!"  :-)

A few weeks ago, when still in the crisis part of this journey, I had two nightmares in the same week. I'm writing about them now because the message was so clear then and I'm still thinking about it and being affected by it.

In the first nightmare, my son Jeremy and I were in New York City. As we walked through the city, I remembered that "this is where 9-11 happened". Up ahead we saw emergency vehicles and when we got there, I realized that "this isn't 2010, it's the actual day of 9-11!"  The Towers had been hit but hadn't fallen yet...and I was terrified because we were right there at "ground zero".

I started running and screaming "Run, Jeremy, run!!"... I ran and screamed until I could go no further, and when I turned around, I couldn't see Jeremy anywhere. I woke up.

Two nights later I had a dream that I was driving a car in San Francisco and lost control of it on the road. It slid off the road and into a river (?) and began to sink. I found myself in the passenger seat now with the water rising. It was then that I heard a voice telling me exactly what to do..."Put your hand on the door and feel that the window is down. Keep your hand there until I tell you to move." I did as I was told and felt the water rising higher and higher. At a certain point, when the water inside the car was level with the water in the river, the Voice said "Now! Slip out the window and into the river, and swim away from the car!"

Again, I did as I was told and swam away from the car safely as it sank under the water. When I made it to the side of the river, there was a couple there who helped me and fed me. I woke up.

The message is clear: as I go on this unexpected journey, I have a choice. I can allow fear to overcome me and drive me into panic and trying to run to safety on my own... OR... I can quiet down and listen for the voice of the One who loves me and is with me. I can hear His voice and allow Him to guide me through the challenges of the journey to a safe place where I am cared for.

In the past few weeks, when I get quiet, I realize that He is there and that His voice is speaking...loving and wise. My prayer is that I will listen and respond....for I know that I will find my way if I do.


Thank you so much for your continued prayers and support...John and I are truly experiencing the reality of God's presence and His answering your prayers! My energy is returning as my pain continues to diminish due to no weight-bearing. I'm sleeping better. I'm able to work some and things feel more stable. It's still a strange land we are in, but we know we are not alone!

Blessings,
Joanna