I had to smile yesterday as I sat in my chiropractor's waiting room. On the TV screen was "The Wizard of Oz", and it was the scene where Dorothy, Scarecrow, Tin Man and Cowardly Lion were ushered in to the presence of the Wizard of Oz...but something was going wrong with his projection screen and they saw the man at the controls, who cried out "Pay no attention to that man behind the curtain!"
On this unexpected journey that I'm on, there really isn't a wizard behind a curtain trying to be something he is not. My orthopedic surgeon makes it very clear that he has no idea what the outcome regarding my knee will be. He doesn't try to "be God" and act like he can fix it or see into the future. And I'm not looking to him to do that.
But it WAS with a good deal of anticipation that John and I went to a recent appointment to see Dr. Moscovitz. It had been 12 weeks of being completely off my left leg, followed by 12 days of very slight weight-bearing, and still no pain of any kind! What would Dr. M. say?
Good news! First of all, the good doctor was so surprised about the "no pain"...and pleased! He broke into a big grin and kept poking my knee saying "Does this hurt?" and when I'd say "No", he'd poke some more and say "Are you sure it doesn't hurt? Really?"
Still acknowledging that he really doesn't know what's happening inside my knee, he said that he was so happy with how I was doing.... and, with a laugh, said "I think you may have cheated me out of a surgery!" He explained that there are three possible outcomes:
1. a very tiny chance that my knee will completely heal
2. the possibility that there will be no healing, and the pain and disability will be chronic
3. the middle ground ("This is where I'm pretty sure you'll land, Joanna")- my knee will be OK most of the time and sometimes will give me trouble, which John says is always true of his knee!
Dr. M. also agreed to order another MRI at some point down the road and he left us with another laugh and smile and "You don't need to come in and see me unless the pain returns and, as a matter of fact, I don't ever want to see you again!" :-)
Now under the guidance of my chiropractor, I am slowly and gradually adding weight and distance while I continue to be on my crutches. Every other day I can "walk" around the block! Next week I hope to be able to begin "water walking" in the pool, which will be the first time walking without crutches since July.
Still no pain, except for a little muscle soreness now and then which actually feels really good...
Thank God for a doctor who trusts in the miracle of a body that can heal itself, just as it was created to do. And thank you for your continuing prayers and encouragement...I will keep you posted every couple of weeks or so on how the journey is going.
Have a blessed Christmas!
Love,
Joanna
Thursday, December 23, 2010
Sunday, December 5, 2010
Learning to Walk in the Dark
Have you ever gone for a midnight hike? You know, you are out there with your flashlight so you can see your way and then, at some point you decide to turn off that beam of light and allow yourself to be surrounded by the deep darkness. It's not an evil, scary foreboding darkness....but that blanket of night that surrounds you so completely that you can't even see your hand in front of your face.
This is the image that has come to mind this week as I've literally taken the next steps on this unexpected journey in an unfamiliar land. As I leave the quiet and pain-free interlude of the last several weeks and start weight-bearing on my affected leg, it feels as if I am in that darkness, where I can't even see where my next step is to go. I don't know if I am walking into a miracle or a disability!
Today is the 7th day of weight-bearing and I'm literally learning to walk again (still on crutches) after 3 months of keeping that foot off the floor. Learning to walk in the dark...
I'm only allowed to put 30 pounds of pressure there when I step down (which is hardly anything it turns out!), but I must tell you how good it feels to have both feet on the ground...
I was told to expect some level of discomfort or pain after the first two or three days...at the very least muscle, ligament and tendon pain from lack of use...and at the most, all that plus the bone pain of osteonecrosis if there hasn't been any healing. The good news at this early stage is that I have had NO pain whatsoever! Whether this will continue or not, no one knows, but it is an encouraging beginning for which John and I are very thankful.
We are thankful for the water exercise classes which have helped me prepare my leg for walking. I've been able to get back my range of motion and stop the muscle atrophy. My leg feels as if it's in the best shape it could be at this point!
We are thankful for YOU...for your prayers for healing and hope, which mean so much to us on this journey!
And we are thankful for the presence of our loving God in each moment (dark or light!) on this path. Whatever lies ahead, we feel ready to face it...whether I am walking into a miracle or a disability, we know that we don't walk alone.
Blessings,
Joanna
This is the image that has come to mind this week as I've literally taken the next steps on this unexpected journey in an unfamiliar land. As I leave the quiet and pain-free interlude of the last several weeks and start weight-bearing on my affected leg, it feels as if I am in that darkness, where I can't even see where my next step is to go. I don't know if I am walking into a miracle or a disability!
Today is the 7th day of weight-bearing and I'm literally learning to walk again (still on crutches) after 3 months of keeping that foot off the floor. Learning to walk in the dark...
I'm only allowed to put 30 pounds of pressure there when I step down (which is hardly anything it turns out!), but I must tell you how good it feels to have both feet on the ground...
I was told to expect some level of discomfort or pain after the first two or three days...at the very least muscle, ligament and tendon pain from lack of use...and at the most, all that plus the bone pain of osteonecrosis if there hasn't been any healing. The good news at this early stage is that I have had NO pain whatsoever! Whether this will continue or not, no one knows, but it is an encouraging beginning for which John and I are very thankful.
We are thankful for the water exercise classes which have helped me prepare my leg for walking. I've been able to get back my range of motion and stop the muscle atrophy. My leg feels as if it's in the best shape it could be at this point!
We are thankful for YOU...for your prayers for healing and hope, which mean so much to us on this journey!
And we are thankful for the presence of our loving God in each moment (dark or light!) on this path. Whatever lies ahead, we feel ready to face it...whether I am walking into a miracle or a disability, we know that we don't walk alone.
Blessings,
Joanna
Sunday, November 21, 2010
Listening in Oz
LISTEN...That's the message I keep getting.
It is the message of my second nightmare (see October 26 post), as the waters were rising. "Don't move. Don't be afraid. Be still. Listen to My voice and do what I say." This message speaks peace to my heart as I continue down this long and winding yellow brick road, on this unexpected journey.
It's the message that we are hearing at the Journey Center as we reflect on the past year and all that God has done in opening doors and toucing lives, and what He might be saying to us in the midst of a financial situation that would normally mean "We can't make it and we need to shut the doors." We know that we are being invited to "Be still. Don't panic. Listen to My voice...I know what I am doing." This message gives us hope, strengthens our ability to trust and helps us keep focused on the mission, knowing that all will be well.
The other day I was having breakfast with a friend. I told him about how I'm being invited by the Spirit to listen. He told me that he is being drawn to listening for God's voice in a strong way. Then I got in the car to drive home, and the car in front of me had a very interesting license plate...."listen3". I started laughing because it was so clear that God was saying loud and clear to me... LISTEN. In that moment of happy delight in God's presence and persistent communication, I knew that this was to be my new spiritual practice.
Plain and simple. Not any kind of fancy technique or particular time in the day where I set aside a few minutes to listen. But a way of being in the day, in the moment. Wherever I am, however I am. Just remembering the word "listen" seems to do it for me. In the past few days, I reach for the radio in the car and I remember...."listen", and some of those times I decide not to turn the noise on. I just drive along and think of that word..."listen", and experience peace and a Loving Presence with me. As I listen, things become simpler and clearer, and there is peace.
I've come to believe that the Spirit invites us to particular spiritual practices in each season of our life, and right now my invitation is to listening. (It seems especially appropriate as in just a week I'll start weight-bearing a little and will be discovereing if there has been any healing in my knee. It's an easy time to be afraid, and listening and experience His peace seems to be the only antidote. Thank you so much for your prayers!)
John 10: 2-4 "The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice."
Listening in Oz,
Joanna
It is the message of my second nightmare (see October 26 post), as the waters were rising. "Don't move. Don't be afraid. Be still. Listen to My voice and do what I say." This message speaks peace to my heart as I continue down this long and winding yellow brick road, on this unexpected journey.
It's the message that we are hearing at the Journey Center as we reflect on the past year and all that God has done in opening doors and toucing lives, and what He might be saying to us in the midst of a financial situation that would normally mean "We can't make it and we need to shut the doors." We know that we are being invited to "Be still. Don't panic. Listen to My voice...I know what I am doing." This message gives us hope, strengthens our ability to trust and helps us keep focused on the mission, knowing that all will be well.
The other day I was having breakfast with a friend. I told him about how I'm being invited by the Spirit to listen. He told me that he is being drawn to listening for God's voice in a strong way. Then I got in the car to drive home, and the car in front of me had a very interesting license plate...."listen3". I started laughing because it was so clear that God was saying loud and clear to me... LISTEN. In that moment of happy delight in God's presence and persistent communication, I knew that this was to be my new spiritual practice.
Plain and simple. Not any kind of fancy technique or particular time in the day where I set aside a few minutes to listen. But a way of being in the day, in the moment. Wherever I am, however I am. Just remembering the word "listen" seems to do it for me. In the past few days, I reach for the radio in the car and I remember...."listen", and some of those times I decide not to turn the noise on. I just drive along and think of that word..."listen", and experience peace and a Loving Presence with me. As I listen, things become simpler and clearer, and there is peace.
I've come to believe that the Spirit invites us to particular spiritual practices in each season of our life, and right now my invitation is to listening. (It seems especially appropriate as in just a week I'll start weight-bearing a little and will be discovereing if there has been any healing in my knee. It's an easy time to be afraid, and listening and experience His peace seems to be the only antidote. Thank you so much for your prayers!)
John 10: 2-4 "The one who enters by the gate is the shepherd of the sheep. The gatekeeper opens the gate for him, and the sheep listen to his voice. He calls his own sheep by name and leads them out. When he has brought out all his own, he goes on ahead of them, and his sheep follow him because they know his voice."
Listening in Oz,
Joanna
Saturday, November 6, 2010
Two Months in Oz
When I think about Dorothy's journey down the yellow brick road, I remember that much of it was a wonderful adventure. Coming from a world in "black and white" in the movie, she stepped into a technicolor Oz. It was a beautiful place, for the most part. And she made new friends along the way, true and loyal friends...and they sang together, had hope together and found courage together.
I've been on my own "long and winding" yellow brick road for 8 weeks now. My crutches and wheelchair have become my friends, helping me make the journey. The terrible pain of osteonecrosis has gradually diminished as I've been putting no weight on my left leg and now I basically have no pain and can sleep through the night. As a result, my energy has returned over the past couple of weeks, and for this John and I are very grateful. And I've found my brain again!
I find myself in a nice "window" of time where I feel almost normal...except for the clunk, clunk, clunk that lets people know I'm coming! :-) As the crisis has passed, I am now into a routine that gets me through the days and allows me to work about 20 hours a week. I've even been able to be at the Journey Center a bit during the day, getting reconnected with the staff and hosts and guests. And we continue to feel your support and prayers along the way...wonderful!
Dorothy had dark places along the road- the apple trees, the monkeys, etc. I still have dark places, too... a day here and there of frustration or depression, and I find that I am not alone in those places. God is present, full of compassion, and He always sends help and lifts my spirits eventually.
John and I realzed over the weekend that while we are enjoying this more stable time, we are beginning now to anticipate our arrival in the Emerald City, the place where we are headed. In about three weeks, I will begin weight bearing and that is when we'll see what's been happening inside my knee. Has my body been growing new blood vessels, absorbing the dead bone and laying down new bone? No one knows...no one can say, except me when I start trying to walk again. The moment of truth...
Our hope is that I will gradually be able to bear more and more weight and some day get my full strength back so I can walk and hike and dance (I've decided that if I can walk again, I'm going to learn to dance!).
And, to be honest, there is a small feeling of dread as well...what if the pain returns, and the sleepless nights and the utter exhaustion? What if nothing has changed?
That is when we are reminded of the two nightmares and the choice (see the previous post). Panic or trust? Fear or surrender...which will it be?
We choose to trust, and we thank you for your prayers these next three weeks for "revascularization" and healing...and hope and courage.We are so very grateful for your love and support- our true and loyal friends!
Blessings,
Joanna
I've been on my own "long and winding" yellow brick road for 8 weeks now. My crutches and wheelchair have become my friends, helping me make the journey. The terrible pain of osteonecrosis has gradually diminished as I've been putting no weight on my left leg and now I basically have no pain and can sleep through the night. As a result, my energy has returned over the past couple of weeks, and for this John and I are very grateful. And I've found my brain again!
I find myself in a nice "window" of time where I feel almost normal...except for the clunk, clunk, clunk that lets people know I'm coming! :-) As the crisis has passed, I am now into a routine that gets me through the days and allows me to work about 20 hours a week. I've even been able to be at the Journey Center a bit during the day, getting reconnected with the staff and hosts and guests. And we continue to feel your support and prayers along the way...wonderful!
Dorothy had dark places along the road- the apple trees, the monkeys, etc. I still have dark places, too... a day here and there of frustration or depression, and I find that I am not alone in those places. God is present, full of compassion, and He always sends help and lifts my spirits eventually.
John and I realzed over the weekend that while we are enjoying this more stable time, we are beginning now to anticipate our arrival in the Emerald City, the place where we are headed. In about three weeks, I will begin weight bearing and that is when we'll see what's been happening inside my knee. Has my body been growing new blood vessels, absorbing the dead bone and laying down new bone? No one knows...no one can say, except me when I start trying to walk again. The moment of truth...
Our hope is that I will gradually be able to bear more and more weight and some day get my full strength back so I can walk and hike and dance (I've decided that if I can walk again, I'm going to learn to dance!).
And, to be honest, there is a small feeling of dread as well...what if the pain returns, and the sleepless nights and the utter exhaustion? What if nothing has changed?
That is when we are reminded of the two nightmares and the choice (see the previous post). Panic or trust? Fear or surrender...which will it be?
We choose to trust, and we thank you for your prayers these next three weeks for "revascularization" and healing...and hope and courage.We are so very grateful for your love and support- our true and loyal friends!
Blessings,
Joanna
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Two Nightmares and a Choice
Dorothy certainly ran into her share of scary "nightmares" on her journey. I remember when I first told John that I felt like Dorothy on the yellow brick road, he said "Watch out for the monkeys!" :-)
A few weeks ago, when still in the crisis part of this journey, I had two nightmares in the same week. I'm writing about them now because the message was so clear then and I'm still thinking about it and being affected by it.
In the first nightmare, my son Jeremy and I were in New York City. As we walked through the city, I remembered that "this is where 9-11 happened". Up ahead we saw emergency vehicles and when we got there, I realized that "this isn't 2010, it's the actual day of 9-11!" The Towers had been hit but hadn't fallen yet...and I was terrified because we were right there at "ground zero".
I started running and screaming "Run, Jeremy, run!!"... I ran and screamed until I could go no further, and when I turned around, I couldn't see Jeremy anywhere. I woke up.
Two nights later I had a dream that I was driving a car in San Francisco and lost control of it on the road. It slid off the road and into a river (?) and began to sink. I found myself in the passenger seat now with the water rising. It was then that I heard a voice telling me exactly what to do..."Put your hand on the door and feel that the window is down. Keep your hand there until I tell you to move." I did as I was told and felt the water rising higher and higher. At a certain point, when the water inside the car was level with the water in the river, the Voice said "Now! Slip out the window and into the river, and swim away from the car!"
Again, I did as I was told and swam away from the car safely as it sank under the water. When I made it to the side of the river, there was a couple there who helped me and fed me. I woke up.
The message is clear: as I go on this unexpected journey, I have a choice. I can allow fear to overcome me and drive me into panic and trying to run to safety on my own... OR... I can quiet down and listen for the voice of the One who loves me and is with me. I can hear His voice and allow Him to guide me through the challenges of the journey to a safe place where I am cared for.
In the past few weeks, when I get quiet, I realize that He is there and that His voice is speaking...loving and wise. My prayer is that I will listen and respond....for I know that I will find my way if I do.
Thank you so much for your continued prayers and support...John and I are truly experiencing the reality of God's presence and His answering your prayers! My energy is returning as my pain continues to diminish due to no weight-bearing. I'm sleeping better. I'm able to work some and things feel more stable. It's still a strange land we are in, but we know we are not alone!
Blessings,
Joanna
A few weeks ago, when still in the crisis part of this journey, I had two nightmares in the same week. I'm writing about them now because the message was so clear then and I'm still thinking about it and being affected by it.
In the first nightmare, my son Jeremy and I were in New York City. As we walked through the city, I remembered that "this is where 9-11 happened". Up ahead we saw emergency vehicles and when we got there, I realized that "this isn't 2010, it's the actual day of 9-11!" The Towers had been hit but hadn't fallen yet...and I was terrified because we were right there at "ground zero".
I started running and screaming "Run, Jeremy, run!!"... I ran and screamed until I could go no further, and when I turned around, I couldn't see Jeremy anywhere. I woke up.
Two nights later I had a dream that I was driving a car in San Francisco and lost control of it on the road. It slid off the road and into a river (?) and began to sink. I found myself in the passenger seat now with the water rising. It was then that I heard a voice telling me exactly what to do..."Put your hand on the door and feel that the window is down. Keep your hand there until I tell you to move." I did as I was told and felt the water rising higher and higher. At a certain point, when the water inside the car was level with the water in the river, the Voice said "Now! Slip out the window and into the river, and swim away from the car!"
Again, I did as I was told and swam away from the car safely as it sank under the water. When I made it to the side of the river, there was a couple there who helped me and fed me. I woke up.
The message is clear: as I go on this unexpected journey, I have a choice. I can allow fear to overcome me and drive me into panic and trying to run to safety on my own... OR... I can quiet down and listen for the voice of the One who loves me and is with me. I can hear His voice and allow Him to guide me through the challenges of the journey to a safe place where I am cared for.
In the past few weeks, when I get quiet, I realize that He is there and that His voice is speaking...loving and wise. My prayer is that I will listen and respond....for I know that I will find my way if I do.
Thank you so much for your continued prayers and support...John and I are truly experiencing the reality of God's presence and His answering your prayers! My energy is returning as my pain continues to diminish due to no weight-bearing. I'm sleeping better. I'm able to work some and things feel more stable. It's still a strange land we are in, but we know we are not alone!
Blessings,
Joanna
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
If I Only Had a Brain!
Life on the yellow brick road really is different!
In the mornings, I'm Dorothy. I wake up feeling pretty good, even if I haven't slept well. I'm ready to face what the day brings and to fully engage in this new season of life, with its limitations, challenges and opportunities for healing and transformation. Ready to continue down the road and see what is around the next corner!
After I get through what I call "the morning routine" (two hours to get up, hot bath/exercises to tend to my knee, get dressed lying on the floor-fun!, time for reflection/prayer, breakfast) I find that I can work with a clear head and focused energy for 2-4 hours.
Then 11:30 a.m. comes and I suddenly become the Scarecrow! You know, stumbling and bumbling down the road, needing someone's steadying hand so I don't fall down, and singing "If I only had a brain!"
I think it's a combination of not getting enough sleep (I wake up at 2:30 a.m. and maybe sleep or maybe not after that) and the stress of dealing with physical limitations and huge changes in lifestyle. Whatever the cause, my brain shuts down right around lunchtime and I can't really think clearly or function well much after that. Everything seems overwhelming and exhaustion sets in. So I rest and watch movies and take naps.
My sweetheart is always working- at his two jobs, in the house, in the garden...doing his things and now a lot of what I used to be able to do. And so I try to rest because I want to at least get dinner on the table for him.
We've devised a system whereby John grills meat for the whole week on Sunday afternoon so that part is done. I have what I call a little "chopping station" in the kitchen- a stool to sit on, a pulled-out drawer to prop my leg on, a cutting board and knives and bowls. That's where I make a salad or whatever else will go with dinner. I've figured out how to move things around the kitchen from the counter to the stool to the stove, and I'm getting pretty good at it! It takes about 2 hours to prepare dinner and have it on the table when he gets home. It makes me feel really good to be able to do that for him, even though I'm often so tired by the time we sit down to eat that I just want to eat and then do my "evening routine" so I can go to bed and sleep! :-)
And three days a week I go to therapeutic water exercise class. It takes 3 1/2 hours to get ready, go to the 45 minute class, come home, bathe/wash hair, deal with the wet swimsuit and towels and get dressed.
John and I have been processing the news that I won't be having surgery any time soon to give me a new knee, and that life for the next 6-18 months will be much like I've described above. This is the nature of our journey for the time being. A very different life from the one we've lived to this point...the "we're both very busy from dawn until dark, neither of us home much, not much time for rest, focused on work and doing things for other people" kind of life. Now John is even busier and I'm wandering around in Oz. We're accepting this new reality and gradually working out how to adjust and how to take care of ourselves and find the miracles and gifts that are all around.
And in the midst of it all, we are deeply touched by your love, prayers and encouragement...and the ever-present love and strength of God.
Thank you....
Joanna
In the mornings, I'm Dorothy. I wake up feeling pretty good, even if I haven't slept well. I'm ready to face what the day brings and to fully engage in this new season of life, with its limitations, challenges and opportunities for healing and transformation. Ready to continue down the road and see what is around the next corner!
After I get through what I call "the morning routine" (two hours to get up, hot bath/exercises to tend to my knee, get dressed lying on the floor-fun!, time for reflection/prayer, breakfast) I find that I can work with a clear head and focused energy for 2-4 hours.
Then 11:30 a.m. comes and I suddenly become the Scarecrow! You know, stumbling and bumbling down the road, needing someone's steadying hand so I don't fall down, and singing "If I only had a brain!"
I think it's a combination of not getting enough sleep (I wake up at 2:30 a.m. and maybe sleep or maybe not after that) and the stress of dealing with physical limitations and huge changes in lifestyle. Whatever the cause, my brain shuts down right around lunchtime and I can't really think clearly or function well much after that. Everything seems overwhelming and exhaustion sets in. So I rest and watch movies and take naps.
My sweetheart is always working- at his two jobs, in the house, in the garden...doing his things and now a lot of what I used to be able to do. And so I try to rest because I want to at least get dinner on the table for him.
We've devised a system whereby John grills meat for the whole week on Sunday afternoon so that part is done. I have what I call a little "chopping station" in the kitchen- a stool to sit on, a pulled-out drawer to prop my leg on, a cutting board and knives and bowls. That's where I make a salad or whatever else will go with dinner. I've figured out how to move things around the kitchen from the counter to the stool to the stove, and I'm getting pretty good at it! It takes about 2 hours to prepare dinner and have it on the table when he gets home. It makes me feel really good to be able to do that for him, even though I'm often so tired by the time we sit down to eat that I just want to eat and then do my "evening routine" so I can go to bed and sleep! :-)
And three days a week I go to therapeutic water exercise class. It takes 3 1/2 hours to get ready, go to the 45 minute class, come home, bathe/wash hair, deal with the wet swimsuit and towels and get dressed.
John and I have been processing the news that I won't be having surgery any time soon to give me a new knee, and that life for the next 6-18 months will be much like I've described above. This is the nature of our journey for the time being. A very different life from the one we've lived to this point...the "we're both very busy from dawn until dark, neither of us home much, not much time for rest, focused on work and doing things for other people" kind of life. Now John is even busier and I'm wandering around in Oz. We're accepting this new reality and gradually working out how to adjust and how to take care of ourselves and find the miracles and gifts that are all around.
And in the midst of it all, we are deeply touched by your love, prayers and encouragement...and the ever-present love and strength of God.
Thank you....
Joanna
Thursday, September 30, 2010
The Long and Winding (Yellow Brick) Road
I wonder what Dorothy imagined when she stepped onto the yellow brick road and began to move forward in her journey. I know that she could not have known what would lie ahead, not really. So many miles to cover, so many turns in the road, and so much that was unknown.
When I stepped onto my yellow brick road on Tuesday, I thought I had an idea of what might be around the first corner. I've been told that if there was no improvement in my condition in two months, that the next step would be a total knee replacement.
Well, I met the orthopedic surgeon yesterday...finally, someone who has some experience with osteonecrosis! And I left that appointment with a completely different picture of the road ahead of me. Wow!
According to this really good doctor who knows what he is talking about, a total knee replacement is NOT in my future. He says that this procedure is the total end-of-the-road step and I am nowhere near that point. (Plus, he said that I shouldn't even have a knee replacement, if I do have one, until I'm 65- and that's nine years away).
Apparently, my knee is really great except for this spot of dead bone (well, it's more than a spot). He explained that bone can revascularize- that the body has this way of, over time, growing new blood vessels in a damaged area and, in essence, bringing it back to life. This takes LOTS OF TIME (6-18 months...who knows?) and there is no guarantee that it will happen in my case, but he believes that it is the way to go for now. To continue down the "waiting" road and do everything possible to give the bone the chance to heal itself.
John and I are still processing this news, because it truly is a different picture. It means that I'll be on crutches for a long time and that this is the way life will be for many, many months. In about a month, prior to my next appointment with the surgeon, I am to begin very slight weight-bearing and then report to him what happens (pain, muscle spasms, OK, etc.) We are going to take this literally "one step at a time" and see what happens.
No surgery, no guarantees. Sounds like an invitation to trust, doesn't it?
Thank you for your continuing prayers, now for REVASCULARIZATION. That's the word! That's the prayer....
I'll let you know how we're doing with this after we have the weekend to absorb it. :-)
Blessings,
Joanna
When I stepped onto my yellow brick road on Tuesday, I thought I had an idea of what might be around the first corner. I've been told that if there was no improvement in my condition in two months, that the next step would be a total knee replacement.
Well, I met the orthopedic surgeon yesterday...finally, someone who has some experience with osteonecrosis! And I left that appointment with a completely different picture of the road ahead of me. Wow!
According to this really good doctor who knows what he is talking about, a total knee replacement is NOT in my future. He says that this procedure is the total end-of-the-road step and I am nowhere near that point. (Plus, he said that I shouldn't even have a knee replacement, if I do have one, until I'm 65- and that's nine years away).
Apparently, my knee is really great except for this spot of dead bone (well, it's more than a spot). He explained that bone can revascularize- that the body has this way of, over time, growing new blood vessels in a damaged area and, in essence, bringing it back to life. This takes LOTS OF TIME (6-18 months...who knows?) and there is no guarantee that it will happen in my case, but he believes that it is the way to go for now. To continue down the "waiting" road and do everything possible to give the bone the chance to heal itself.
John and I are still processing this news, because it truly is a different picture. It means that I'll be on crutches for a long time and that this is the way life will be for many, many months. In about a month, prior to my next appointment with the surgeon, I am to begin very slight weight-bearing and then report to him what happens (pain, muscle spasms, OK, etc.) We are going to take this literally "one step at a time" and see what happens.
No surgery, no guarantees. Sounds like an invitation to trust, doesn't it?
Thank you for your continuing prayers, now for REVASCULARIZATION. That's the word! That's the prayer....
I'll let you know how we're doing with this after we have the weekend to absorb it. :-)
Blessings,
Joanna
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
When The Tumbling Stops
Like Dorothy at the beginning of her journey, I have been caught up in a cyclone and I have been... tumbling. Someone said yesterday that it's like I'm in a clothesdryer...tumbling, tumbling, tumbling, always tumbling. That's exactly what it's felt like for many, many weeks now. I've been unable to get my feet under me (OK, unable to get my foot under me- no weight-bearing on the other one!).
This past weekend, John and I went away to the coast because we realized that, since this began, there hasn't really been time for us to be together alone and simply to talk about how we are doing, what this is like for each of us. Together we read the research articles on osteonecrosis and developed a list of questions for the orthopedic surgeon I will see tomorrow. And we were quiet, too, and enjoyed the beauty of creation.
Oh, that really helped! I started to feel like I was getting my bearings again.
And last night the Journey Center's board of directors and a couple of wonderful spouses gathered in our home to be together, to talk, to listen, to pray and to discern...where is God in this? What is the Spirit doing and saying in the midst of these unexepcted challenges and changes and the unfolding opportunities that continue to come to us at the Journey Center? What are the implications for the Journey Center's mission and how are we being invited to proceed?
By the end of the evening, I felt as if the tumbling had stopped. The prayers of so many have held me during the tumbling and now the presence, commitment and prayers of those who share the vision helped both John and I to find ourselves standing on solid ground again. Our gratitude is immense....
This morning, as I think of Oz, I realize that now I am ready to step onto the yellow brick road and engage in this adventure more fully. It is amazing how the prayers and love of companions (near and far) and the strength that comes as a gift from the Spirit make such a difference as the journey unfolds.
And I am grateful that this has happened before I see the surgeon tomorrow. How good it is to get my bearings for the Inward Journey regardless of what happens next on the Outward Journey. There will likely be more tumbling ahead, I know, and today I feel ready for whatever comes.
Thank you so much for your companionship and prayers...
Joanna
This past weekend, John and I went away to the coast because we realized that, since this began, there hasn't really been time for us to be together alone and simply to talk about how we are doing, what this is like for each of us. Together we read the research articles on osteonecrosis and developed a list of questions for the orthopedic surgeon I will see tomorrow. And we were quiet, too, and enjoyed the beauty of creation.
Oh, that really helped! I started to feel like I was getting my bearings again.
And last night the Journey Center's board of directors and a couple of wonderful spouses gathered in our home to be together, to talk, to listen, to pray and to discern...where is God in this? What is the Spirit doing and saying in the midst of these unexepcted challenges and changes and the unfolding opportunities that continue to come to us at the Journey Center? What are the implications for the Journey Center's mission and how are we being invited to proceed?
By the end of the evening, I felt as if the tumbling had stopped. The prayers of so many have held me during the tumbling and now the presence, commitment and prayers of those who share the vision helped both John and I to find ourselves standing on solid ground again. Our gratitude is immense....
This morning, as I think of Oz, I realize that now I am ready to step onto the yellow brick road and engage in this adventure more fully. It is amazing how the prayers and love of companions (near and far) and the strength that comes as a gift from the Spirit make such a difference as the journey unfolds.
And I am grateful that this has happened before I see the surgeon tomorrow. How good it is to get my bearings for the Inward Journey regardless of what happens next on the Outward Journey. There will likely be more tumbling ahead, I know, and today I feel ready for whatever comes.
Thank you so much for your companionship and prayers...
Joanna
Friday, September 24, 2010
"Sometimes It Wasn't Very Nice, But Mostly It Was Beautiful"
This week, I've watched "The Wizard of Oz" twice and now I've got "Somewhere over the Rainbow", "If I Only Had a Brain", and "We're Off to See the Wizard" stuck in my head! :-)
What has stayed with me, more importantly, is something that Dorothy says towards the end of the film. Reflecting back on her experience, she says "Sometimes it wasn't very nice, but mostly it was beautiful." When I heard those words, I hit rewind so I could write them down. And I thought to myself, "That's what I want to say when I find myself further down the road on this journey of dealing with osteonecrosis! Sometimes it wasn't very nice, but mostly it was beautiful..."
Sometimes it ISN'T very nice. The months of pain before we knew what was wrong. Not being able to walk or hike or do the leg press at the gym (yes, I actually miss doing the leg press!). Watching the muscles in my leg atrophy. Hearing the news that this isn't a simple torn meniscus. Facing an uncertain future. Watching my wonderful, tired husband having to do all his work and most of mine, and feeling helpless. Waking up in the night numerous times and feeling like a zombie during the day. Not being able to work at the Journey Center, and only having the energy to work a couple of hours a day from home. Yes, sometimes it isn't very nice...
But mostly it is beautiful. I'm just starting to come out of the "fog" that happens when you find yourself in an unexpected crisis. Like Dorothy, I've been disoriented and sometimes afraid, but now I'm taking a look around me and I'm noticing some things that are beautiful. Even though the land I'm in isn't home, it's not where I want to be and it seems so unfamiliar to me...there are some pretty wonderful things that I see and experience. And the beauty mostly comes in the form of people!...
...new people I would never have met if this hadn't happened- especially the members of the Therapeutic Water Exercise Class at Finley Center. Men and women in their 70's. 80's and 90's (one woman is 93!) who have been taking this class for 10-15 years and who are determined to keep moving, even though they suffer the pain of arthritis. They are so courageous, positive, loving and welcoming...and an inspiration, for sure! And wonderful Donna Burch, who started this class and makes it possible for all of us to be there! And people I haven't even met yet who have been working on getting me a wheelchair (one has been found now, thank you!).
...and people I already know who are extending love, prayers and kindness to John and I on a daily basis. So much beauty there, and sometimes it's hard to take it in!
...and the constant presence of the One who told me long ago..."No matter what happens, I will be with you." There have been so many "no matter what happens" seasons since then, and He is always present and loving and full of grace towad me so that even if everything is topsy-turvy, I experience His love like an anchor.
"Sometimes it wasn't very nice, but mostly it was beautiful." Help me, Lord, to see the beauty around me today and to be grateful for Your gifts...
Joanna
What has stayed with me, more importantly, is something that Dorothy says towards the end of the film. Reflecting back on her experience, she says "Sometimes it wasn't very nice, but mostly it was beautiful." When I heard those words, I hit rewind so I could write them down. And I thought to myself, "That's what I want to say when I find myself further down the road on this journey of dealing with osteonecrosis! Sometimes it wasn't very nice, but mostly it was beautiful..."
Sometimes it ISN'T very nice. The months of pain before we knew what was wrong. Not being able to walk or hike or do the leg press at the gym (yes, I actually miss doing the leg press!). Watching the muscles in my leg atrophy. Hearing the news that this isn't a simple torn meniscus. Facing an uncertain future. Watching my wonderful, tired husband having to do all his work and most of mine, and feeling helpless. Waking up in the night numerous times and feeling like a zombie during the day. Not being able to work at the Journey Center, and only having the energy to work a couple of hours a day from home. Yes, sometimes it isn't very nice...
But mostly it is beautiful. I'm just starting to come out of the "fog" that happens when you find yourself in an unexpected crisis. Like Dorothy, I've been disoriented and sometimes afraid, but now I'm taking a look around me and I'm noticing some things that are beautiful. Even though the land I'm in isn't home, it's not where I want to be and it seems so unfamiliar to me...there are some pretty wonderful things that I see and experience. And the beauty mostly comes in the form of people!...
...new people I would never have met if this hadn't happened- especially the members of the Therapeutic Water Exercise Class at Finley Center. Men and women in their 70's. 80's and 90's (one woman is 93!) who have been taking this class for 10-15 years and who are determined to keep moving, even though they suffer the pain of arthritis. They are so courageous, positive, loving and welcoming...and an inspiration, for sure! And wonderful Donna Burch, who started this class and makes it possible for all of us to be there! And people I haven't even met yet who have been working on getting me a wheelchair (one has been found now, thank you!).
...and people I already know who are extending love, prayers and kindness to John and I on a daily basis. So much beauty there, and sometimes it's hard to take it in!
...and the constant presence of the One who told me long ago..."No matter what happens, I will be with you." There have been so many "no matter what happens" seasons since then, and He is always present and loving and full of grace towad me so that even if everything is topsy-turvy, I experience His love like an anchor.
"Sometimes it wasn't very nice, but mostly it was beautiful." Help me, Lord, to see the beauty around me today and to be grateful for Your gifts...
Joanna
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
You Don't Know What You've Got 'Til It's Gone
Three times a week I do something I never thought I'd do, not being a "pool person". I spend 45 minutes in the local pool, participating in a Therapeutic Water Exercise Class. I put on a flotation belt, hop on my good leg into the deeper water, and exercise while suspended there and not bearing weight on my left leg. It is SO wonderful to be able to move and exercise and get the blood flowing! :-)
This morning, as I was "cross-country skiing"" down the swim lane, the words to an old song came into my mind...just one line- "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone"...and I spent some time reflecting on the gift of walking, something I have totally taken for granted until now. To be able to stand up on both legs and move to wherever you want to without thinking about it...to enjoy walks and hikes and using your muscles until they are really tired- such a gift!
I wanted to say to everyone I saw walking around on two legs...enjoy it! Use those legs! Be grateful for what they let you do! I'd give a million dollars right now to be able to run and dance and climb up a mountain. Maybe I'll be able to do that again at some point (that's what we're praying for!)...but for now I'll simply be grateful- not depressed- because my two legs have been a gift from God, and I've been able to do so many things and go so many places.
While I wait for healing and/or surgery, though, I still feel like Dorothy. I've been wandering around this new land I find myself in, getting used to it, meeting new people (Munchkins??) at the pool and at Kaiser...and experiencing the kindness and love that is coming my way. Thank you, everyone...
So here is what I know so far:
And you....enjoy walking! :-)
Joanna
This morning, as I was "cross-country skiing"" down the swim lane, the words to an old song came into my mind...just one line- "You don't know what you've got 'til it's gone"...and I spent some time reflecting on the gift of walking, something I have totally taken for granted until now. To be able to stand up on both legs and move to wherever you want to without thinking about it...to enjoy walks and hikes and using your muscles until they are really tired- such a gift!
I wanted to say to everyone I saw walking around on two legs...enjoy it! Use those legs! Be grateful for what they let you do! I'd give a million dollars right now to be able to run and dance and climb up a mountain. Maybe I'll be able to do that again at some point (that's what we're praying for!)...but for now I'll simply be grateful- not depressed- because my two legs have been a gift from God, and I've been able to do so many things and go so many places.
While I wait for healing and/or surgery, though, I still feel like Dorothy. I've been wandering around this new land I find myself in, getting used to it, meeting new people (Munchkins??) at the pool and at Kaiser...and experiencing the kindness and love that is coming my way. Thank you, everyone...
So here is what I know so far:
- my condition is not fatal and I don't have vascular disease (like I told John the other day...You're stuck with me for at least 40 more years!)
- what I'm going through doesn't happen to many people and there is very little known about causes and treatments
- I am not in much pain at this point because I am not weight-bearing, even though the pain from osteonecrosis is intense
- I need to find out what stage of the disease the bone is at, because that determines treatment and prognosis (I'll be seeing an orthopedic surgeon on the 29th)
- it is amazing how exhausting it is to go through this, even though it doesn't seem like I do much! Everything takes so long on crutches and one leg, and adjusting and figuring everything out is very tiring mentally. (Thanks for praying for the staff and board of the Journey Center as we sort through the impact of this on our mission there)
- God is good and never changes...even though so much has changed!
And you....enjoy walking! :-)
Joanna
Saturday, September 18, 2010
Where Am I?
When I go on a journey, having a map is a must. Once I figure out where I am and where I'm headed, the map shows me the way.
Having osteonecrosis isn't like that. Every doctor I've seen so far doesn't know any more about it than I do from researching on the Internet...it is that rare. Yesterday I saw a vascular surgeon and she handed me the same article I had just printed out at home the day before! And she asked me to keep her posted on my journey so she can learn something about this disease.
I feel disoriented, like Dorothy did when she found herself in Oz. I don't know fully yet where I am- how did I get here (how did this happen)?; how extensive is the damage? (the doctors don't want to do another MRI for various reasons and I'm left not knowing if it's limited to my knee or if my ankle or other joints are affected). Where am I?
And I definitely don't know where I am headed. If it's just my one knee, there will probably be a good outcome. If my ankle is involved, I may never walk normally or hike again. There may be one surgery or many surgeries ahead. The pain from ON is second only to bone cancer and many of the stories I'm reading that others with this disease have written tell of shattered lives and chronic pain and disability. What lies ahead?
What I DO know is that I am not alone...and that makes all the difference as I try to get "the lay of the land". I know that many people are praying. Yesterday, the day after I sent out the email asking for prayer, I actually slept all night and awakened with no pain in my ankle and no extreme stiffness in my knee. That's not happened in two months! Then I received a call from a vascular surgeon at Kaiser, asking me to come in that afternoon for an appointment and we ruled out vascular disease as a cause of the bone death in my knee. This is a great relief, to know that I'm not also dealing with heart/artery disease.
Both of these immediate answers to prayer were a great encouragement to John and I, as were the emails I've received from a number of you. Thank you!
Whatever the reality of my situation is, and whatever lies ahead... I know that I am not alone. Jesus is here now and He will be with me on the path ahead, offering me grace and peace and His loving presence...and for this I am so grateful.
Onward!
Having osteonecrosis isn't like that. Every doctor I've seen so far doesn't know any more about it than I do from researching on the Internet...it is that rare. Yesterday I saw a vascular surgeon and she handed me the same article I had just printed out at home the day before! And she asked me to keep her posted on my journey so she can learn something about this disease.
I feel disoriented, like Dorothy did when she found herself in Oz. I don't know fully yet where I am- how did I get here (how did this happen)?; how extensive is the damage? (the doctors don't want to do another MRI for various reasons and I'm left not knowing if it's limited to my knee or if my ankle or other joints are affected). Where am I?
And I definitely don't know where I am headed. If it's just my one knee, there will probably be a good outcome. If my ankle is involved, I may never walk normally or hike again. There may be one surgery or many surgeries ahead. The pain from ON is second only to bone cancer and many of the stories I'm reading that others with this disease have written tell of shattered lives and chronic pain and disability. What lies ahead?
What I DO know is that I am not alone...and that makes all the difference as I try to get "the lay of the land". I know that many people are praying. Yesterday, the day after I sent out the email asking for prayer, I actually slept all night and awakened with no pain in my ankle and no extreme stiffness in my knee. That's not happened in two months! Then I received a call from a vascular surgeon at Kaiser, asking me to come in that afternoon for an appointment and we ruled out vascular disease as a cause of the bone death in my knee. This is a great relief, to know that I'm not also dealing with heart/artery disease.
Both of these immediate answers to prayer were a great encouragement to John and I, as were the emails I've received from a number of you. Thank you!
Whatever the reality of my situation is, and whatever lies ahead... I know that I am not alone. Jesus is here now and He will be with me on the path ahead, offering me grace and peace and His loving presence...and for this I am so grateful.
Onward!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
The Unexpected Journey
I was thinking yesterday that I feel somewhat like Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz! You know, just living my life as I always do when suddenly there is a tornado out of nowhere, my whole house (life) is picked up and plopped down in some strange land. I have this feeling all the time of "Whose life is this that I have found myself in?! It sure isn't mine..."
But it IS mine now, like it or not. I'm starting out on a new and unexpected journey and I've created this blog because so many of you want to know the details of what has happened and how I am doing. I'm finding that it is exhausting to tell the story and the latest over and over to each invidual person, and this approach helps me conserve my energy and focus on resting and healing.
Thanks for checking in here and caring, and thank you so much for praying. Right now, in the early days after diagnosis, my focus is simply on getting my bearings and then I have every intention of fully engaging in what lies ahead, both the Outward and the Inward Journeys. And I know that I will be OK, and more than OK, because I am not alone. My guide is Jesus and I trust Him so much. And He has blessed me with such dear friends, too...
I've been having trouble with my knee since February....and last week I had an MRI. We fully expected the problem to be a torn meniscus and so were shocked to discover that I've been diagnosed with a rare bone disease called osteonecrosis. Basically, the bone in my knee has suffered something like a stroke. For some unknown reason, the blood supply has been cut off at some point and part of the bone in the knee has died.
This is something not often seen by physicians. My specialist has only seen it 3 times in 18 years and he says that my case is by far the worst due to how extensive the damage is and where the dead bone is located (on the weight-bearing part of the knee).
I will spend the next two months on crutches (have already been on crutches for one month), and I can't do any weight-bearing on the affected leg. Sometimes the area will heal, but the doctor isn't very hopeful that this will happen in my case. The next step would be a total knee replacement surgery.
There are many challenges...figuring out what I can and can't do at home, fighting the Kaiser system to get the care and tests I need (they won't do an MRI of my whole leg, even though it is likely that I have the condition in other joints), and starting to sort out what effect this set-back will have on my ability to work and on the Journey Center mission.
Your prayers are deeply appreciated and, I must say, it's quite different to be the one needing the prayer and support, rather than the one giving it! I am humbled and very grateful for your love and concern. (Thank you for praying for my dear husband, John, as he is ending up with quite a load on top of his usually busy life- cooking, laundry, etc. He is so kind to me!)
So, like Dorothy, I'm off on an unexpected journey! Though I long to be "home" in the life I had before the tornado, this is where I find myself now. Who knows who I will encounter along the way and what transformation I will experience and witness? I will keep you posted.... :-)
Love,
Joanna
But it IS mine now, like it or not. I'm starting out on a new and unexpected journey and I've created this blog because so many of you want to know the details of what has happened and how I am doing. I'm finding that it is exhausting to tell the story and the latest over and over to each invidual person, and this approach helps me conserve my energy and focus on resting and healing.
Thanks for checking in here and caring, and thank you so much for praying. Right now, in the early days after diagnosis, my focus is simply on getting my bearings and then I have every intention of fully engaging in what lies ahead, both the Outward and the Inward Journeys. And I know that I will be OK, and more than OK, because I am not alone. My guide is Jesus and I trust Him so much. And He has blessed me with such dear friends, too...
I've been having trouble with my knee since February....and last week I had an MRI. We fully expected the problem to be a torn meniscus and so were shocked to discover that I've been diagnosed with a rare bone disease called osteonecrosis. Basically, the bone in my knee has suffered something like a stroke. For some unknown reason, the blood supply has been cut off at some point and part of the bone in the knee has died.
This is something not often seen by physicians. My specialist has only seen it 3 times in 18 years and he says that my case is by far the worst due to how extensive the damage is and where the dead bone is located (on the weight-bearing part of the knee).
I will spend the next two months on crutches (have already been on crutches for one month), and I can't do any weight-bearing on the affected leg. Sometimes the area will heal, but the doctor isn't very hopeful that this will happen in my case. The next step would be a total knee replacement surgery.
There are many challenges...figuring out what I can and can't do at home, fighting the Kaiser system to get the care and tests I need (they won't do an MRI of my whole leg, even though it is likely that I have the condition in other joints), and starting to sort out what effect this set-back will have on my ability to work and on the Journey Center mission.
Your prayers are deeply appreciated and, I must say, it's quite different to be the one needing the prayer and support, rather than the one giving it! I am humbled and very grateful for your love and concern. (Thank you for praying for my dear husband, John, as he is ending up with quite a load on top of his usually busy life- cooking, laundry, etc. He is so kind to me!)
So, like Dorothy, I'm off on an unexpected journey! Though I long to be "home" in the life I had before the tornado, this is where I find myself now. Who knows who I will encounter along the way and what transformation I will experience and witness? I will keep you posted.... :-)
Love,
Joanna
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